That’s what I’ve been doing. Contemplating His great love and sacrifice. He sent His Son to die for my sins. Would I send my most beloved to die for somebody else’s sin? Could I possibly love somebody that much? No. Absolutely not. That kind of love is absolutely unfathomable. I will never ever love someone as much as God loves me. No one will ever love me as much as God loves me. Which brought me to my next thought.

I am unworthy.

I am so unworthy. So extraordinarily unworthy. I wanted to say, “God, You’re not allowed to love me that much.” But it’s not up to me. His love for me is not based on my worthiness. God is my lover.

…So He loves me like His bride…I am His bride…He is my lover, incomplete without me…

No. False. Am I so arrogant to think that the all-holy God would not be fully Himself without me? God is fully Himself always. God would be God–and completely God–even if I had never existed. His completeness is not dependent on my existence.

I am not His bride.

I am His beloved, but it is not because He would be incomplete without me; it is because His bride would be incomplete without me.

I am a part of His bride.

This too is unfathomable: that God loves us and chooses us because His bride would be incomplete without us. That His chosen, His beloved, would be diminished if we were not of it…That is an amazing thing.

Sometimes people do leave. They leave this place, this community. Sometimes they cleave to each other. When they do, I think, “If I leave, I could be with them. I could be friends again with some of the people I love so much” But no. If I run to one place, I am also running away from another. And I can’t leave. So I can’t do that.

I don’t like cloudiness. I like sun. My extended family lives in Arizona. I love them, I love their church. So then, “If I run away, I could run there”. But, again, no. How could I leave my family, my community, all of my closest friends? I couldn’t.

Oh how I wish we could all somehow come together! Cross divides and cross countries to worship God as one. I wish we could stop being stubborn and merge and bind and commune together. But no, you cannot change human nature. Emotional scars and broken relationships can’t be healed just because one girl wants to have all the people she loves together.

Oh wait, yes they can.

One day, we will shed mortality. We will shed our “human natures” that hinder us from unity. One day we will all stand before the throne. We will all worship together. Those who have been hurt and those who live afar off, we will no longer regard any differences. They will be lost and forgotten–as if they never were.

Forgiven, we shall be One in heaven.

Song stuck in my head right now: ‘Mighty to Save’ by the Newsboys

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Is it grace?

Is it poise?

Is it decorum or modesty?

Yes.

No.

I read a blog post that posed the question “what is a lady” after which the author went on to say she was not a lady and didn’t want to be. It irked me a little. Because this woman seems to be so accepting in everything else, and then she kind of sort of disses something that I’ve always thought of as goal-worthy. So then I wondered why she didn’t like the idea of lady-like-ness. And then I wondered why I did. And then I wondered what was stopping me from defining what it means to me. I was going to comment and say something, but then over a hundred people already had and I figured one more wasn’t going to make any difference to her or to anyone else. But anyways, a lady is something I strive to be. I don’t think that being a lady means being stuffy, wearing dresses all the time, or even having good posture. I don’t think being a lady means having a soft silky voice, staying a wallflower, or even being timid and withdrawn. I believe fully that being a lady is deep. Deeper than mere actions or looks or perceptions. Deep inside the heart of a woman, she must know her God and herself. Being a lady means loving yourself (because God loves you) and loving others (because God loves them too). Being a lady means standing up for what you believe in, because it’s never okay to go with the flow when the flow leads you to destruction. Being a lady means being discreet, yes, but it also means being strong and courageous. Being a lady means being sensitive to others needs, but it certainly does not mean that the primary goal of life should be trying to make other people happy. To be more than a mere mortal, to be an eternal lover and constant worshipper of our great and glorious God almighty, is to be a lady.

No less.

Song stuck in my head right now: ‘Cosmic Love’ by Florence and the Machine