See How Great A Love

Contemplating God’s love.

That’s what I’ve been doing. Contemplating His great love and sacrifice. He sent His Son to die for my sins. Would I send my most beloved to die for somebody else’s sin? Could I possibly love somebody that much? No. Absolutely not. That kind of love is absolutely unfathomable. I will never ever love someone as much as God loves me. No one will ever love me as much as God loves me. Which brought me to my next thought.

I am unworthy.

I am so unworthy. So extraordinarily unworthy. I wanted to say, “God, You’re not allowed to love me that much.” But it’s not up to me. His love for me is not based on my worthiness. God is my lover.

…So He loves me like His bride…I am His bride…He is my lover, incomplete without me…

No. False. Am I so arrogant to think that the all-holy God would not be fully Himself without me? God is fully Himself always. God would be God–and completely God–even if I had never existed. His completeness is not dependent on my existence.

I am not His bride.

I am His beloved, but it is not because He would be incomplete without me; it is because His bride would be incomplete without me.

I am a part of His bride.

This too is unfathomable: that God loves us and chooses us because His bride would be incomplete without us. That His chosen, His beloved, would be diminished if we were not of it…That is an amazing thing.

I don’t belong here

I’ve been going to my church for 13+ years. My family goes there. My niece and nephew. Some of my closest friends. Sometimes I ask, “If I leave, what will I have left?” I love this place too much. I can’t leave.

Sometimes people do leave. They leave this place, this community. Sometimes they cleave to each other. When they do, I think, “If I leave, I could be with them. I could be friends again with some of the people I love so much” But no. If I run to one place, I am also running away from another. And I can’t leave. So I can’t do that.

I don’t like cloudiness. I like sun. My extended family lives in Arizona. I love them, I love their church. So then, “If I run away, I could run there”. But, again, no. How could I leave my family, my community, all of my closest friends? I couldn’t.

Oh how I wish we could all somehow come together! Cross divides and cross countries to worship God as one. I wish we could stop being stubborn and merge and bind and commune together. But no, you cannot change human nature. Emotional scars and broken relationships can’t be healed just because one girl wants to have all the people she loves together.

Oh wait, yes they can.

One day, we will shed mortality. We will shed our “human natures” that hinder us from unity. One day we will all stand before the throne. We will all worship together. Those who have been hurt and those who live afar off, we will no longer regard any differences. They will be lost and forgotten–as if they never were.

Forgiven, we shall be One in heaven.

Song stuck in my head right now: ‘Mighty to Save’ by the Newsboys

Legacy

“Input = thoughts = words = actions = habits = character = destiny = legacy. It starts with what you let in…what do you want your legacy to look like?”

-facebook user

What is a Lady?

What does it mean to be a lady?

Is it grace?

Is it poise?

Is it decorum or modesty?

Yes.

No.

I read a blog post that posed the question “what is a lady” after which the author went on to say she was not a lady and didn’t want to be. It irked me a little. Because this woman seems to be so accepting in everything else, and then she kind of sort of disses something that I’ve always thought of as goal-worthy. So then I wondered why she didn’t like the idea of lady-like-ness. And then I wondered why I did. And then I wondered what was stopping me from defining what it means to me. I was going to comment and say something, but then over a hundred people already had and I figured one more wasn’t going to make any difference to her or to anyone else. But anyways, a lady is something I strive to be. I don’t think that being a lady means being stuffy, wearing dresses all the time, or even having good posture. I don’t think being a lady means having a soft silky voice, staying a wallflower, or even being timid and withdrawn. I believe fully that being a lady is deep. Deeper than mere actions or looks or perceptions. Deep inside the heart of a woman, she must know her God and herself. Being a lady means loving yourself (because God loves you) and loving others (because God loves them too). Being a lady means standing up for what you believe in, because it’s never okay to go with the flow when the flow leads you to destruction. Being a lady means being discreet, yes, but it also means being strong and courageous. Being a lady means being sensitive to others needs, but it certainly does not mean that the primary goal of life should be trying to make other people happy. To be more than a mere mortal, to be an eternal lover and constant worshipper of our great and glorious God almighty, is to be a lady.

No less.

Song stuck in my head right now: ‘Cosmic Love’ by Florence and the Machine

fam

Don’t Know Why

There was once a girl, and she fell in love. She really thought it was true love. She gave into this fancy and thereby abandoned sense and reason. She shunned wisdom. She forced herself to drop the things she used to love and love things she used to hate just so she could be like the boy she thought she loved. She said she trusted God. She said she was willing and wanting to live for Him. She didn’t, and she wasn’t. In reality she committed the sin of rebellion and went her own way. Two years and five months later to the day she truly turned back to God. She really did trust Him, and gave up her fancied love.

The problem was, she wasn’t constant. Another proof that her fancied love wasn’t real was the way she so willingly gave in to the temptation to fancy herself in love with another. Two loves, neither real, and she didn’t even know it.

She knows now. She’s let go and let God with one. Her challenge is to let go and let God with the other.

Someday she will learn to let go and let God with every fancy. And every love. And every thing.

P.S. I made another wallet^

Song stuck in my head right now: ‘Don’t Know Why’ by Norah Jones

tokens for holding the lonely at bay

I do adore this. so much. :) :) :) Thought y’all should know.

this is the title 2

Life is good.

You can bet your socks off that life’s not been easy the past month or so. But gollee, God is so loving that He makes everything better. my sweet friend and her family are moving on, there’s someone new who’s kinda creepy, there’s someone loved who i didn’t get to say goodbye to, and there’s someone who needs me even though i can be such a sucky friend.

You know, now that I think of it, life sucks. God is the good.

‘Course, God made life, so who am i to say it sucks? Maybe God wants me to see that life is good. even when it seems to suck. You know what? Life is good.

I bought a couple jackets and a sweater this week. That means the weather is getting colder and hot coffee and tea will be consumed daily. My mom is in school full time. I hadn’t said that, had I? She is. And i don’t have my license yet so i can’t drive myself anywhere to break the at home-ness.

I keep saying I need to find something to do with myself so i’m not just sitting around watching movies all day. I mean, i do laundry, keep the house clean, and make dinner, but i don’t have anything to do in my spare time.

Then i just realized that this blog could maybe help fill my spare time. I used to feel inspired by people smiling and papers and pens spread all over the place. now i seem to be inspired by clothing catalogs and ikea furniture. what happened? when did my inspiration change from coming from real life to coming from imitations of real life? maybe that’s a problem.

This is stupid. Why do you want to hear about my problems? You’ve got plenty of your own! No one likes to read a pessimistic blog!

So sorry.

Darn it! Nerdy used to be defined by Sven! Now it’s defined by Eric! Darn you, Eric! You’ve ruined my desire to be nerdy completely!

Ahem. Pardon my tirade against the “someone new who’s kinda creepy”. I miss the days when being nerdy was drinking black coffee and bragging about all the burns you got while working on nuclear reactors on a submarine. Nowadays it seems being nerdy is wearing 3d glasses with the lenses popped out and working for Nintendo. Stupid.

Anyways…

Song stuck in my head right now: ‘Pocket Full Of Sunshine’ by Natasha Bedingfield

sometimes i wish i was this woman

GASP

This blog has been in existence for nearly a year.

That said, i have some really cool pictures of my parents from 20+ years ago taped above my desk. and i’m listening to Mozart. and i don’t like black tea (unless it’s iced). and i like black coffee (unless it’s iced).

yeah…not much changes happened this year. ‘cept i’m taller now. that’s what my mom said. she said, “it’s all different because you’re both taller now.”

Maybe that’s true.

song stuck in my head right now: Nothing, because I’m listening to Mozart.